Monday, September 15, 2014

Withdrawal part 2

Still fiddling with my psych meds.  I've tried dropping Seroquel to 75 mg from 100 mg a few times now but my anxiety, irritability, panic were too bad.  My dad is ill and quite disabled and I'm trying to help my mom care for him and it's getting very stressful. I've decided I'm going to increase my clonazepam to 0.5mg 3x a day, which is double what I'm on now, but still half of what I was on. I kinda hate to do that because I've been working so dam hard to wean myself off this stuff, but I'm just too stressed.  I will drop it again and eventually go off it entirely when things calm down a bit. 
Then, with the boosted clonazepam, I plan to drop the seroquel to 50 mg, 25 at noon, 25 mg at night, and see if my nerves are ok that way. Then I will try no seroquel, just clonazepam.  If I find I still need a mood stabilizer,  I am going to talk to my Dr. about switching over to topimax. It's an anti-seizure drug that also acts as a mood stabilizer, and unlike Seroquel, most people lose weight while on it, not pack on 35 lbs like most people do on seroquel. I'm eating sugar non stop on this drug, as if I wasn't bad enough to begin with.
So, I'm going to play around a bit and hope I don't totally fuck myself up. Wish me luck and please let me know if you have any experience with topimax. Thanks.

Monday, July 28, 2014

Psychiatric drug withdrawal

As I get older, more things grate on my nerves, I don't know why. I feel like becoming a hermit.

Some of it may have to do with me and my Dr. weaning me off all these stupid psych. drugs I've been on, clonazepam for 5 years, seroquel for 3?  These drugs actually change your brain and how it works, and when you come off them you get rebound symptoms of why they put you on them in the first place but 5x worse.  That's why I can only drop 1/4 tablet (0.25 mg) a month of the clonazepam.  I started at 3 mg, and am now down to 0.75 mg, so that's good but I do get a lot of rebound anxiety. The other drug (quetiapine/seroquel) for mood swings/agitation/racing thoughts, I have reduced from 300 mg at the start of March to 100 mg.  Unfortunately, it's going off the last bits of these drugs that causes the worse withdrawal symptoms.  I don't care, I just want off them.  But it is making me kind of crazy : (

Friday, June 21, 2013

OMG

Yesterday was not a good day for me. I woke up depressed, stressed and anxious. It seems that the increased dose of Seroquel (200 mg) is doing absolutely nothing for my depression or borderline or mood swings or anything except helping me to sleep.   Because I felt so horrible all day I turned to my 2 main crutches at the moment, food and over-medicating.
First I started with the ice cream, then more ice cream with smarties on top.  I've already gained so much weight lately, between the Abilify and the Seroquel, so eating like this just makes ME MORE DEPRESSED AS I CONTEMPLATE MY FAT. I'VE GAINED ABOUT 20 LBS OR 25 Maybe.  (sorry, caps on, too lazy to retype).   I then mixed up a quarter batch of brownie batter from the Fry's cocoa jar recipe and ate that raw.  Between the ice cream, smarties and raw brownie dough I racked up 1800 calories, over my limit of 1600 per day (my calorie goal for losing 3 lbs month).  But I didn't just eat that, I ate my regular meals too so I ended up at 3061 calories for the day.
Then I became really depressed so I took a clonazepam, 2 75 mg Lyrica and 100 mg seroquel.  This combo bombs me out, right into outer space, I get stoned off lyrica for some reason and the clonazepam boosts that.  Don't know why I added in the seroquel but I woke up this morning still very stoned.
Now today, I took a clonazepam and 2 lyrica  again but don't feel 'high' enough to escape myself, and my fat, so I'm taking another clonazepam and 25 mg seroquel.  I also just finished whipping up and eating another 1/4 batch of brownie dough and eating it raw.  God, I hate myself.  I better get into day hospital fast before i end up O.D.'d or just fat beyond belief, with diabetes to boost, slow suicide.
Today doesn't suck as bad, I guess because I was still stoned this morning and have kept myself that way, so excuse me if this is rambling a lot.  Got to get  a hold of myself.  My shrink told me if I played with my meds like that she'd dump me, but really I don't give a $%^%&&^ right now, she'll never know anyway, I'm a great liar.  Loathing Myself, Dee.


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Sugar Roller Coaster

I'm quite heavy here, about 190 lbs, my BMI is 31, so I am officially obese.
About 170 lbs here, BMI 27.5, overweight but not obese.
Recent picture at 162 lbs.  BMI 26.  Still overweight but feel better about myself.  Need to be a min. of 154 to get a healthy BMI, top range, 144 for a mid range healthy BMI, which is where I was a few years ago and would like to be again.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Weighty Issues

Let's talk about weight, baby, let's talk about you and me, all the good things and the bad things that we eat....

Well, hello all you folks in sugarland, how you been?  Me, I've been eating sugar and packing on pounds.  Gosh darn Halloween, followed by Xmas and my discovery of the chocolate chip in peanut butter concoction, plus some severe recent anxiety, has triggered by addictive behavior overtime.

I usually can control my weight by just not eating anything but junk, but lately I seem to be eating regular good meals PLUS all my sugary treats.  And this, rather expectantly has made me gain weight.  Around 10 lbs so far, but I'm going to keep climbing because I'm now hungry for real food yet can not stop eating the chocolate and other stuff.

My weight has bounced around a lot.  When I was around 13 I was a pretty good weight at 135 lbs, 5"6.  I had big thighs but otherwise ok.  I ate like shit, usually 2-4 chocolate bars a day, but didn't eat much of anything else, and would do occasional fasts if I went up 3 lbs or so.  I kept this weight till I got pregnant at 19, then gained a bunch, going up to 155.  Then, due to nerves, drinking, and not eating anything but sugar, plus taking 'diet' pills, I came down to 135 again.  I then ended up involved in an abusive relationship, where I dropped more weight due to the fact we rarely ate, just drank.  I developed an ulcer, then hyperthyroidism.  I didn't realize I had hyperthyroidism at the time, I shook all the time but thought it was my nerves.

So after a year I left the abusive jerk (I had to move out of province), and arrived at my parents weighing only 122.  I loved it, but everyone else said I looked awful. All I knew was that I could eat and eat and eat and not gain weight.  Then I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and I had to get radioactive iodine treatment to kill my thyroid, otherwise it would have killed me (worn my heart out).  They put me on replacement thyroid hormone but not enough so my thyroid became underactive.  By this time I was in college and eating all the ice cream and desserts, and chocolate milk I wanted, as it was an all you can eat meal plan and the food was not fit to eat, only the junk.  With my Thyroid bring underactive though, I soon put back all the weight I lost and more, getting around 145 lbs.

After awhile they got my medication dose correct and I went back to my usual 135.  Unfortunately, my second pregnancy was the same as the first and I ate voraciously, good foods and junk, and jumped to 160.  Just for your information I'm 168 now.  I have been up to 214.  I will tell you all about that in my next post. 

Let me know how your weight has been affected by your addiction(s), and life events.  People think if you're a sugar addict you must be fat, but it's not true. We can be any weight, I know a lot of very skinny people who eat nothing BUT sugar and chubby people who eat so healthy.  So, till next time, I leave you with my list of shame for today:
3 boxes of Smarties, 1 box Bridge Mix, 1 box Glossete chocolate covered raisins, and two large helpings of butterscotch pie with whipped cream.  Ouch! But I did eat 2 eggs and 2 bowls of salmon soup too, so some healthy good hot in me at least.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Depression and Addiction

Last night was a rough night.  Well, it's been a rough week actually.  I spent one half of last night crying over all the sorrow in the world and one half crying over my own personal sorrows.  And what did I do to make myself feel better?  I ate sugar, of course.  Did it cure the worlds' troubles or help ease mine?  Nope.  Did it make me feel any better?  Well, yes, temporarily, while I was actually in the process of eating it, but after I just felt worse.  All my troubles remained and now I felt fat and guilty too.  And very depressed.  So, do I eat sugar all day because I am depressed or has eating sugar on a regular basis triggered my depression?  

Both.  I am depressed.  I have been depressed to one extent or the other since I was 13.  This is when my sexual abuse ended and my emotional troubles and sugar addiction began.  Never having told anyone of the abuse I did not know how to cope with the after effects.   My anger at my perpetrator turned inward into self loathing, shame, guilt and depression and I made myself feel better by getting high off sugar.  I'd eat so much sugar I'd be blissed out for hours and things would seen OK.  Then I'd come down off this rush and not only would I feel sick physically, but emotionally I'd be a wreck, feeling all the feelings around the abuse and now all the shame and hate and anger at myself for pigging out, not having control, being a loser.  Which made me feel even more depressed.  So I ate again, too try to feel better just for a little while.  I always binged in secret too, adding to the whole guilt and shame trip.  I knew I was doing something abnormal, something shameful and wrong that I had to hide from 'normal' people, at least that's how I felt.

I hid my eating from my family and friends, creeping off to some secluded spot to stuff my face with bags of cookies, boxes of Vachon © cakes, and tonnes of penny candies in little brown bags.  I hid my depression, my shame, my hurt, pain, my absolute anguish over life fron everyone, even my best friend.  I hid it well, very well.  I was and am an exceptional actor.  I was whatever people wanted me to be....funny, happy, easygoing.....in public.  In private I was a cauldron so hot and mixed I don't know how I got a long at all.  Maybe sugar helped me survive.  And a few other tools thrown in.  So as not to mislead you,  or fool myself, sugar was not my only drug used to self treat my depression and angst. 

I drank alcohol whenever I could, whatever I could find.  I'd had my first taste of booze at 11 and I loved it. I loved the way it made me feel mellow and calm and brave and happy all at the same time. The way it made my troubles less troubling, at least for awhile.  I was no longer shy and awkward but giggly and friendly, and I had a whole new group of kids to hang out with and drink.  And getting booze became an interesting challenge.   We stole mini bottles from our parents, filling them later with water, strutting around town feeling hip swigging from our airplane liquor.  We filled pop bottles half full of pop, half of stolen booze from our parents unlocked liquor cabinets.  This was particularly easy for me, for my parents drank little but kept a fully stocked bar for guests.  Easy enough  to sneak 1/4 pint or so and add water once the bottle started showing use.  Also hanging out in front of the liquor store asking people to pick us up a bottle, which most were willing to do, and finding those older kids, drop outs, single moms, who'd let us hang out at their run down pads and drink our faces off.  I was going to the liqour store myself at 15, no questions asked if you waited for the right person to come on.

I continued binge drinking or daily drinking all my life until about 1 1/2 years ago. I drank to self medicate my depression,  inward pain and hurt and I drank to forget and I drank to change my personality to one I thought was 'better.  I only do not drink now because my man doesn't drink and wouldn't tolerate it, though the urge comes upon me at times.  I drown it in sugar instead.  Am I am alcoholic?  I don't know, I only know I like to drink very much but I can also stop at any given moment, as circumstances call for.  Though I must admit alcohol has got me into  many severe situations and problems before.   Ulcers, brown outs, unprotected drunken one night stands with strangers.  But then  I'd just stop.  Cold turkey, no problem.  This is why I call myself a sugar addict first and foremost, because I have never been able to get off the sugar, ever, for any time, so it is my true drug of choice.
Even when I was boozing heavily, as I have done often and for prolonged periods, I still dosed myself daily with sugary treats and my liquor was often some sugary sweet kind like shnapps, or drank with lots of sugary pop.  Alcohol was my friend, sugar my love and solace. 

And yes, then there are the drugs.  I never cared much for pot, hash, even cocaine, they don't do for me what sugar and alcohol do.  They make me paranoid, shaky, confused.  I used drugs to fit in with my fast boozing/drugging friends but never enjoyed them.  At least till I got my first taste of downers and pain killers.  Those I like.  I fell in love with Demerol at 13 after being given a shot at the hospital for a burn.  I thought of nothing else but the smooth, sweet, velvety, bliss I felt that day for weeks.  I discovered Valium, Ativan, and Codiene.  Warm and fuzzy drugs, soothing drugs.  These I  like.  And still like.  I admit I play around with various assortments when I feel especially stressed or down.  They take the 'edge' off.  I do this on the sly too, during the day when I can nod out and be by myself, just chilling. Everyone I know now would freak.  Funny thing is I still eat sugar on these days (which I strictly limit).  Lots of sugar. 

So....as you can see my sugar addiction is not my only vice. I use whatever I can to make me feel better, to damp down the constant feelings of sadness inside me, the voice in my head that tells me I'm just not good enough and never will be.
And it all becomes one vicious circle, depression, self medication, self loathing, more depression.  I do also take prescribed drugs for depression but they never quite do the job like a real good sugar rush, they don't give me instant gratification or send me away from my mind for awhile.  And that is why I'm a sugar junkie.

Let me hear your story.  You can write anonymously, don't be afraid. I'd like to see a community of us pull together on this and give each other support.  I'll start, my name is Dee and I'm an addict.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Losing Control

Well, I've totally lost all control this last week, and I don't quite know why.  Maybe the stress of the holidays coming, maybe because I haven't been feeling very well and was sorry for myself, or perhaps because I haven't been sleeping well.  Whatever the reason my addiction has been raging.  It started with buying a 1 kg (2.2 lb) box of chocolate covered cherries, double dipped.  For guests, I told myself, knowing friggen well I'd be opening and sampling one as soon as I  got home.  I put them in the living room after I had my first one and tried to forget them, but every 15 minutes I'd pass by and grab another.  And you all know how it went after that, one after another, then two more, three with tea and so on.  Needless to say I ate the whole box, making myself quite sick and very ashamed along the way.  I made the mistake of letting my hubby see the box and when he went to get one and found the box empty, and expressed his shock, I felt like a real loser.  More shame, guilt, and embarrassment washed over me. I don't know why I didn't hide the box to begin with, except the fact that maybe if I left them out like that and he knew they were there, and supposedly for guests, I would be able to leave then alone.  I guess it doesn't work that way.
Once the cherries were gone I  was hoping to gain some control.  I am really worried I will gain more weight and that it will spiral out of control as it has before.  I worry my hubby will find me gross and unattractive and won't want to be with me, or will be embarrassed to be seen out with me, that he won't want to make love to me because I disgust him, like I disgust myself.  It's not even like I weigh a lot right now, I am 12 lbs above my BMI, but I feel so incredibly fat and sloppy, insecure and full of self loathing that I can't imagine  he doesn't see me the same way.  Who knows, maybe that's what I want, I'm very good at pushing people away, I've always found getting fat and angry was a great way to end up by myself. , Maybe that's what I want, to be left alone to pursue my self destructive life style, to be left alone so I can say frik it and just revel in my addiction.
Anyway, as I was saying, the cherries were gone and I was going to try so so so hard to 'be good'; after all, being a 'good girl' is so important to me.  I often define myself this way i.e. have I been a 'good girl' today, am I now a good person?  Do I now deserve your love? I was having horrible cravings and desires but had not brought anything new into the house to gorge on, and I needed a fix fast. I thought of quickly whipping up some brownie or cake batter but it was late at night and I didn't dare risk waking up hubby and him catching me getting my freak on. Then I dreamed up the easiest and most wonderful, and at the same time the most horrendous, concoction. I couldn't believe in all my years as a sugar junkie this simple thing had never occurred to me. I took a cup, filled it half full of peanut butter, then filled it up with dark chocolate chips. Stir, spoon into mouth over and over. OMG, what heaven and hell I have discovered. I've been eating this every day now, 2 or 3 times a day, in secret. I feel miserable for sneaking food this way, for hiding what I'm doing from hubby, but it is so damn satisfying and really hits that addiction 'sweet spot', fat and sugar combined. Now, I KNOW this combo is going to pack on the weight, so to compensate I'm not eating anything else. Smart? I'm not so sure. I don't know how long a body can survive on this particular mixture plus tea. And I know hubby is starting to wonder where all the peanut butter is going, he mentioned it yesterday. I joked I was pregnant and craving peanut butter, but, really, this is serious and I am 'out of control'. I need help! I'm waiting for an appointment to see a councilor, I sure hope that happens soon. Fingers crossed. Dee

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Sugar Challenge

I'm trying very hard to stop eating sugar in all forms but natural, like honey in my tea, or maple syrup, but I might have to cut out all sugar to be able to recover. I think having honey in my tea still triggers my sugar freak.  Yesterday my Mom opened a box of liquor filled chocolates, and I wolfed down enough of those to feel slightly tipsy!!  Today, I was pretty good, only one jumbo sized box of smarties.  I have recently found out I now have ulcers, so I really need to start taking care of my body.  Tomorrow I want to bake a cake for my honey though, so that's going to be a huge temptation, eating raw cake batter is almost programmed into me, been doing in since I started baking at 14.  I usually double the recipe and hold back a cup of batter just for myself, though I have often mixed up and eaten a whole recipe in one sitting.  That's an entire cake in a 1/2 hour period.  How sick is that.
What is your biggest weakness when it comes to food??